A Watched Pot Never Boils...

Primaries signed off the season in sumptuous style with a comprehensive win over West Lothian at Inveralmond on Thursday.

It had been something of a fractious campaign for PSFC with ignominious defeat juxtaposed with vertiginous victories and mournful, fallow weeks of wretched inaction which only served to stymie any discernable shift towards tangible momentum. In other words, it had been a bit pish, ken?

However, one thing this particular group can never be accused of is giving up lightly. Oh no! When this team capitulates, it does so in a thoroughly heterosexual manner! PSFC don’t use Vicks Vaporub ® on tired, aching muscles - they use Essence of Wintergreen…. From a disused Cuprinol garden spray bottle! Pubic hair?? Pah!! PSFC thumbs its nose at pubic hair! Have done with it!! When the PSFC boys get a bit sweat on after the match, they don’t use any GIRLY deodorant roll on by your Molten Brown’s or your BHS white musk….. Its Old Spice talcum powder – upstairs AND downstairs!! Cos THAT’S how we ROLL!

But, I digress. Primaries had to win in order to end the season with a numerically satisfying won four / lost four record, and they rose to the challenge in fine style.

The team sauntered out onto the playing arena after a relaxing stroll through a wooded thicket which served as an impromptu pitchside tunnel. (I’m sure I saw Ray Mears carving an aboriginal canoe in there! – Ed) Once properly assembled, they proceeded to set aboot the West Lothian back line from the first whistle.

Sullivan was unlucky not to have PSFC ahead with an arrowed drive off the woodwork (Ray Mears makes goalposts too!! – Ed) however, the breakthrough was provided when Harris popped up at the back post to volley home for his first of the season. Baillie then had Primaries two goals to the good after he produced a strike of sublime quality. The “Peter Pan of Plumbing” lashed a ferocious volley into the roof of the net from an impossible angle - which brought back memories of Van Basten in the final of Euro 88 – to send the crowd into raptures! (What crowd?? – Ed)

Peterkin marked his return to the fold with a scruffy third as The Travelling Dangleberries threaten to run riot. However, those lofty dreams were brought crashing back to earth with a fud as Morrison had a fresh air swipe at a through ball to allow the home side to claw one back. 3-1 Primaries HT.

After some positional changes, the visitors started the second half in much the same fashion as they had finished the first. Specifically, by playing lovely football, scoring tasty goals and taking no shit – from ANYBODY! (ooooh, you’re hard!! – Ed)

Peterkin doubled his tally for the day after rounding the goalkeeper following a defensive mistake, but he wasn’t satisfied with two goals. He desperately wanted to emulate his idol, Gary “Big Gaz” Sullivan. He wanted three, and by jingo, he achieved just that with another contender for Goal of the Season.

A long, high clearance from the West Lothian goalkeeper was expertly brought down by the diminutive hitman before he sashayed away from two midfielders to curl an absolute teaker into the bottom corner from all of 25 yards!

Sullivan suddenly saw that his third consecutive Hot Shot trophy (Wow! That’s some achievement! – Ed) could be under threat and frantically subbed himself on the park for the ineffectual Jamieson. Primaries could now sniff blood, which made a refreshing change from Hunter’s unique brand of aromatherapy, and went for the jugular (Poor guy. He was only there to provide halftime entertainment for the kids – Ed).

With Kay and Durkin marauding forward at will, the pressure began to mount on the home defence and they conceded a sixth goal when McCann, a man not usually associated with the word “gentle”, coaxed a cross from the left into the far corner of the net with no small measure of panache.

Although West Lothian managed a consolation it was the home side who were in seventh heaven (see what I did there?) when Sullivan converted a penalty after the ball had struck a defensive arm.

There was still time for another calamitous defensive howler from the home side when a horrible sclaff from Peterkin, which looked to be going well wide, was cruelly turned into the net by the West Lothian back line.

On the stroke of Full Time, the host managed to grab a contentious third when a flag for offside failed to materialise, however, there was nothing to take the gloss off a fabulous final win for PSFC on a balmy summer’s evening.

West Lothian 3 Primaries 8 FT.

Naan better!

No one could accuse PSFC of making a meal out of Currie last night as they stretched their winning streak to three games. The only down side was the news that last weeks clean sheet couldn't be counted because it wasn't an 11-a-side match. Bad luck lads.

The pre-match talk had focused on the mis-communicating Sullivan/Jamieson striking partnership amid rumours that the pair had been seen at their local branch of RELATE last week. However, after this showing from the "poachers in crime", it could turn out to be the best double act since Roger de Courcey first put his hand up Nookie Bear.

There may well be another trophy winging its way to forgotten hitman Gary Sullivan, after he curled the first goal into the postage stamp barely 15 seconds into the game. Two further strikes from Jamieson and Kipanda (his third in three games) seemingly had Primaries well on the way to a comfortable three goal advantage before half time.

However, regular followers of The Travelling Dangleberries fortunes will know that nothing is simple when it comes to holding a lead (just ask Barbara Woodhouse).

After Currie captain Fusco had dribbled through the entire defence to slot his first, a crass challenge on the edge of the box presented Currie with the chance to claw another goal back before the break.

Dr Martin Tourettes (pictured) carefully positioned the wall and even had the tubby Sullivan on a post to be sure (have you turned Irish?? -Ed). Unfortunately, McCann totally bottled it as the set piece was struck, allowing the ball to fire into an unguarded net.

To be honest, Dear Reader, it's the first time I've seen a Goalie duck since the Keith & Orville's World of Soccer DVD I stole from the Gylemuir Bring & Buy Sale.

Primaries 3-2 Currie/Balerno HT

It was still a tense encounter and the same old doubts resurfaced as Sullivan and Jamieson were told by Gaffer Kay to "Put Up or Shut Up" (that's the new slogan for the British Shelf Making Championships! - Ed)

Primaries got back to basics second half and a lovely passing move allowed Sullivan to play in Gilhooley to stroke in his first of a timely brace.

After Gilhooley headed in a vicious Morrison corner, it was time for the much maligned Sullivan to take to the floor. His second of the afternoon was a volleyed finish after sterling work from Jamieson and he completed his Hat-Trick after heading home from his own initial shot.

Currie stand in for the day, Chris, was soon rolling about in agony after a blow to his unmentionables (Do you mean his testicles? - Ed) prompting McCann to loudly inquire "Someone check if he still has one ball!!".

Sullivan just couldn't stop scoring by now and he took full advantage of Chris' injury by ripping the ball away from the dithering defender to slot home his fourth.

There was still time for Sullivan's fifth and PSFC's ninth as Jamieson once again showed fleet-footed determination to ghost away on the wing and cross for one of "Kid Goals" trademark side foot volleys. (Does that mean that Sullivan is leading the scoring charts again - Ed?? Why, yes it is! - asst. Ed)

Full Time.

Primaries 9 (Sullivan 5, Gilhooley 2, Kipanda, Jamieson)

Currie/Balerno 2

PSFC Team: - Dr Tourettes; Kay, Morrison, Baillie; Dimeck, Kipanda, Gilhooley; Sullivan, Jamieson.

Subs (Not wanted): - Wilson, Steviespal, Forrest.