A Watched Pot Never Boils...

Primaries signed off the season in sumptuous style with a comprehensive win over West Lothian at Inveralmond on Thursday.

It had been something of a fractious campaign for PSFC with ignominious defeat juxtaposed with vertiginous victories and mournful, fallow weeks of wretched inaction which only served to stymie any discernable shift towards tangible momentum. In other words, it had been a bit pish, ken?

However, one thing this particular group can never be accused of is giving up lightly. Oh no! When this team capitulates, it does so in a thoroughly heterosexual manner! PSFC don’t use Vicks Vaporub ® on tired, aching muscles - they use Essence of Wintergreen…. From a disused Cuprinol garden spray bottle! Pubic hair?? Pah!! PSFC thumbs its nose at pubic hair! Have done with it!! When the PSFC boys get a bit sweat on after the match, they don’t use any GIRLY deodorant roll on by your Molten Brown’s or your BHS white musk….. Its Old Spice talcum powder – upstairs AND downstairs!! Cos THAT’S how we ROLL!

But, I digress. Primaries had to win in order to end the season with a numerically satisfying won four / lost four record, and they rose to the challenge in fine style.

The team sauntered out onto the playing arena after a relaxing stroll through a wooded thicket which served as an impromptu pitchside tunnel. (I’m sure I saw Ray Mears carving an aboriginal canoe in there! – Ed) Once properly assembled, they proceeded to set aboot the West Lothian back line from the first whistle.

Sullivan was unlucky not to have PSFC ahead with an arrowed drive off the woodwork (Ray Mears makes goalposts too!! – Ed) however, the breakthrough was provided when Harris popped up at the back post to volley home for his first of the season. Baillie then had Primaries two goals to the good after he produced a strike of sublime quality. The “Peter Pan of Plumbing” lashed a ferocious volley into the roof of the net from an impossible angle - which brought back memories of Van Basten in the final of Euro 88 – to send the crowd into raptures! (What crowd?? – Ed)

Peterkin marked his return to the fold with a scruffy third as The Travelling Dangleberries threaten to run riot. However, those lofty dreams were brought crashing back to earth with a fud as Morrison had a fresh air swipe at a through ball to allow the home side to claw one back. 3-1 Primaries HT.

After some positional changes, the visitors started the second half in much the same fashion as they had finished the first. Specifically, by playing lovely football, scoring tasty goals and taking no shit – from ANYBODY! (ooooh, you’re hard!! – Ed)

Peterkin doubled his tally for the day after rounding the goalkeeper following a defensive mistake, but he wasn’t satisfied with two goals. He desperately wanted to emulate his idol, Gary “Big Gaz” Sullivan. He wanted three, and by jingo, he achieved just that with another contender for Goal of the Season.

A long, high clearance from the West Lothian goalkeeper was expertly brought down by the diminutive hitman before he sashayed away from two midfielders to curl an absolute teaker into the bottom corner from all of 25 yards!

Sullivan suddenly saw that his third consecutive Hot Shot trophy (Wow! That’s some achievement! – Ed) could be under threat and frantically subbed himself on the park for the ineffectual Jamieson. Primaries could now sniff blood, which made a refreshing change from Hunter’s unique brand of aromatherapy, and went for the jugular (Poor guy. He was only there to provide halftime entertainment for the kids – Ed).

With Kay and Durkin marauding forward at will, the pressure began to mount on the home defence and they conceded a sixth goal when McCann, a man not usually associated with the word “gentle”, coaxed a cross from the left into the far corner of the net with no small measure of panache.

Although West Lothian managed a consolation it was the home side who were in seventh heaven (see what I did there?) when Sullivan converted a penalty after the ball had struck a defensive arm.

There was still time for another calamitous defensive howler from the home side when a horrible sclaff from Peterkin, which looked to be going well wide, was cruelly turned into the net by the West Lothian back line.

On the stroke of Full Time, the host managed to grab a contentious third when a flag for offside failed to materialise, however, there was nothing to take the gloss off a fabulous final win for PSFC on a balmy summer’s evening.

West Lothian 3 Primaries 8 FT.