Reach Out (I'll Be There)

An Open Letter from Gary Sullivan to Primary Schools Football Club

Dear Team-mate.

There are times in all of our lives when one has to face up to uncompromising truths and difficult decisions (Oh Dear! Where is this going? - Ed)

This season has been one of those occasions. Amid the feeling of rancour (Aye. Rhymes with rancour - Ed) from dissenting voices that shan't be named (Hint - It was the WHOLE TEAM - Ed) I decided to look within myself and, in doing so, realised exactly what the team had been crying out for.

Someone needed to step up to the plate (Might as well, Dimeck's on his third helping - Ed). Someone needed to "give something back". 

Those new, young, eager upstarts (steady, Petrie!!) in the shape of Myles, Harris, Begg et al had me reminiscing back to when I was at the beginning of my now illustrious career in Staff Football. I was lucky - I had the likes of Eamonn Bannon, Jim McArthur and Willie French to look up to; but who did these fresh faced lads have? No-one. 

So, I decided, in a moment of pure inspiration that has become my unofficial trademark, that I could be that person. That guiding light in the midst of so much confusion and knob jokes. The one to take the flak, dish out the advice and be a shoulder to cry on - especially after the inexplicable horror of seeing Hunter's white pudding in the showers.

I've seen too many young guys having to face up to the likes of that all by themselves. Some never recovered.

As soon as I had completed my SFA Coaching Badges with Jim Wilson in Largs last summer, I decided that, rather than cleaning up with a fourth straight Top Scorer gong, I would set personal glory aside so that the team might flourish. And my - have they not flourished?! (Eh... No? - Ed)

It has come as a refreshing change from the pressure of being the focal point, the fulcrum, the lynchpin, the Big Cheese - basically, the "Top Gadgie" of the team. The one that could be relied upon to dig the laddies out the mire when chips were down. That spark of genius. The "difference".

Sure, I could gracefully slot into any position in the team and play with drive, poise, endeavour and intelligence beyond my years. I mean, they don't call me "The Leatherman" for nothing! However, I soon realised that by taking up residence in the hallowed Full Back berth, I could provide that stable platform to allow my young charges to perform, to reach their goals, to flourish in the limelight - Just as i had. (When??!! -Ed)


Just look at former duds like Gilhooley, Jamieson, Faherty and Peterkin - would they have had such sumptuous seasons with Relentless Competitor doing his usual and bursting the onion bag every game? Dictating the tempo like some beautifully oiled metronome in human form? Whispering encouragement at that optimum moment that turned the tide in the favour of the famous Travelling Dangleberries? I'll leave that for you to decide in the heated arena of the post match pub discussion or radio phone in.

But enough about me (Promise? - Ed). In this, the year of the Olympic Games, I hand the torch of opportunity to you, my young charges, that you might one day emulate and even surpass (Oooh! Big ask! - Ed) my achievements in the realm of Schools Staff Football.

Reach out, lads! I'll be there!

Gary Sullivan

Swiss Army Champion Knife (S.A.CK.) of Football

Results/Stats 2012

The Sullivan Salver - Glittering Prize

As usual I will endeavour to keep you up to speed with all the results and stats for the season.

Goals scored, goals conceded, number of times Greg Dimeck wears ladies underwear - that kind of thing.

Results so far 2012

Gillespies/Working Together vs Primaries - VOID - Bottled it
Tynecastle/St.Davids 1 vs 4 Primaries (Jamieson 2, Begg, Myles) - MOM Jamieson
Musselburgh 3 vs 1 Primaries (Jamieson) - MOM Peterkin
Portobello vs Primaries - VOID - Waterlogged Pitch

P	W	D	L	F	A	Pts
2	1	0	1	5	4	3

Hot Shot Trophy 2012 a.k.a "The Sullivan Salver"


The battle for the most sought after trophy in Staff Football rages on for another year.

After a tireless campaign and 10,00 name petition was delivered to Lindsay Odie, a decision was made to honour three time winner (on the bounce remember!) - Gary "Big Goals" Sullivan - and rename the trophy to The Sullivan Salver. A Civic Reception will be held at the Corstorphine branch of Subway® later in the year.

Jamieson has begun the season in outrageous form, scoring three goals in his first two games. However, going on previous years stats, his form should take a severe dip round....about.... now.

Taking up the slack is a team responsibility, although the usual suspects working at the sharp end are ready and willing to play a big part in launching PSFC into the stratosphere of scoring success.

This year's fresh intake of youth players in attacking positions has, once again, got the doubters crawling from under the skirting board to denounce former champ Sullivan. Indeed, a recent quote from a club insider (we'll call him Heathen Stillgooley) said that the White Pele was "overfed, over watered and over the hill". 

A source close to the striker said "For sure, in terms of food and drink consumption, Gaz has had a big winter. He followed that up with a large fries and coleslaw combo. However, he washed it down with a diet IrnBru so you can see his commitment to PSFC hasn't dropped one iota.

No matter how the season goes, one thing is for certain - The Truth Will Out!!

Current Standings

Jamieson - 3
Begg - 1
Myles - 1

Calling All Insomniacs!

Musselburgh Capitulation - Chuck Yer Bunnet On It!!

Muddy Hell!

Primaries weather early storm to rain supreme in Dalkeith


PSFC started the season with a solid win against Tynecastle/St.Davids and sounded out an early warning to any would-be opponents who might fancy a "plop" at the title. (Yes, there will be weather puns throughout this report so learn to live with it - Ed)

The Dangleberries ranks had be swollen by a few new faces for this years campaign as the legendary ForthView Flyers joined ranks with (C)analview racing whippet Gregor Myles. However, the biggest shock was a return for Jammy Begg who had recently returned from a kibbutz in New Zealand after a 2 year Ovine Breeding Programme (or "Wooly Love" as its known there).

The match kicked off at a frenetic pace, yet it soon became apparent that the pitch (aka The Dalkeith Rice Pudding) would effectively negate any attempt at the kind of short passing game which PSFC are particularly fond (When? - Ed)

The home side had already figured this out and launched wave after wave of attack on the Primaries goal. Sterling work from the PSFC rearguard kept the TynieStD (ooooh! You're cool! - Ed) deluge at bay and goalkeeper McCann was beginning to resemble a demented Al Jolson impersonator with each helping of "dirt time" (Steady, Hunter!!)

It seemed as though the Primaries had taken the instruction "we're playing on grass" a bit too literally as every player chased after the ball like some hideous 22 legged siamese twin, yet out of this tangle of confusion shone one ray of sunshine in the form of quintessential "slippery customer" Steven Jamieson.

A Tynie corner (like a fruit corner but smaller) was hoofed clear by the outstanding Stuart Holden and brought down by the lanky assassin. He immediately burst forward, leaving defenders in his wake and cooly slotted to hand Primaries the advantage! 1-0 Primaries.

With the Dangleberries midfield finally coming to grips, the tie suddenly lurched in the away side's favour as Begg doubled the lead from close range after more sublime wing play from Jamieson.

2-0 Primaries. HT.

Benched backline botherer Sullivan cajoled his effervescent charges from the touchline and this seemed to spur on his cack covered colleagues further as they began the second period on fire.

Jamieson was once again tormentor in chief as he collected a loose ball out wide and arrowed towards the home side's penalty area, eventually skipping past two challenges before delightfully dinking a precise finish into the pokey. 3-0 Primaries.

As the rain storm machine-gunning the players began to enter into the "Biblical" category it looked for all the world as though that third goal would put the proverbial warm blanket around the shoulders of the Primaries performance. However, Tynie St.D had other ideas and their captain was allowed to stroll the length of the pitch unchallenged before rifling in a 30 yard effort that left McCann looking foolish (A tough ask for a ginger heided guy wearing red shorts and yellow socks - Ed) 3-1 Primaries.

The continued exclusion of three time top scorer Sullivan was beginning to make the Tevez affair look like small potatoes in comparison and his team mates pleaded for the relentless predator (I wouldn't be shouting that name about too often - Ed) to be welcomed into the fray. Readers, this reporter has to admit that Durkin looked particularly upset (that was because he had electrical tape holding his underpants together!!- Ed).

The team were revolting (tell us something we don't know! -Ed) and it was only in the nick of time that Kay deemed the striker worthy of inclusion. Not surprisingly, the tactic paid off immediately.

Sullivan's trademark steely determination won the ball in midfield and set up an intricate move between Kipanda, Peterkin and Baillie who sent Begg through on goal. However he was too focused on chatting up a lady defender and he allowed the ball to break loose to Myles who made no mistake from close range.  4-1 Primaries

The closing stages were played out in the kind of turgid spectacle that only Morrison seemed to take any pleasure from and the referee finally brought the match to a close.
4-1 Primaries FT

So, a fabulously hard fought win for Primaries in terrible conditions and a corking start to the campaign. Although everyone was outstanding to a man, there was one unanimous candidate for Man of the Match. Stevie Jamieson's beautiful brace bagged the bauble for the Giallo di Rossoblu.

Dickie Davies

Harris and Morrison were delighted with the win

Musselburgh 03.05.12

Gaffer Kay wished he'd brought his P.A to the teamtalk

Gaffer Douglas "Spartacus" Kay has his work cut out when offering up his pre-match team talk tomorrow, it seems. 


Yes, this week looks to bring on the biggest selection headache since Petrie had to decide on bottles of Blue WKD or shots of Vodka Sourz in Harry's Bar.

Players have been literally crawling out the woodwork (or in Jamie Begg's case the Antipodean bush - Steady! -Ed) to showcase their skills for the famous Peruvian Pulseurs de Boule at Musselburgh tomorrow.

After last weeks thumping 4-1 win in a damp, dreich, dour Dalkeith, it looks like Primaries are well set to mount a strong challenge this season - if Kay can seperate the sweet from the naff (thats a riff on the arable farming term "wheat from the chaff", dingus - Ed) as the playing pool threatens to resemble a Somerset waterway.

No matter. I'm sure there will be ample opportunity for keen-as-mustard upstarts and well-worn-out veterans alike to show what they can bring to this rag-tag, footballing travellers camp we call P.S.F.C.

Incidentally, there is no truth to rumours that Willie French's Am-Dram company "Drambo" offered the squad a loan of their festival bleacher seating to accommodate the teeming mass of substitutes on the sidelines. (What do you mean you never knew about Willie's board treading gift?? -Ed *flounces away in disdain*)

French's award winning portrayal of Elvis in "Somebody Up There Likes Me"

Anyhow. Our track record at Pinkie has been woeful of late and its about bloody time we took the ram by the horns (will you 'ave 'ush at back! -Ed) and show exactly what a 78 strong bunch of misfits led by a bald Richard O'Brien lookalike can do! 

Come along. Play for 8 minutes. Sit on your arse for 82. In the RAIN. 

Have at you!!! You CAD!!

Dickie Davis

We'll Show You The Way To Goal

PSFC's legendary goalscoring exploits during the last two seasons should leave no-one in any doubt that when it comes to finding the net, "The Peruvian Powderkegs" certainly don't need no road map (nice double negative! -Ed).

However, if the situation should arise, why not follow the example of fans of German non-league outfit Magdeburg. After failing to find the net for 5 straight games the fans decided to help their favourites out with a subtle reminder of where the players should be aiming.

Fixtures 2012

All aboard the Jenga Bus! The Travelling Dangleberries have filled the tank, lubricated the crank-shaft and cleaned out the tail-pipe (eeeuurrgh! -Ed) as they hit the road for another season of sparkling fitba and shameful sportsmanship.

Stay tuned for all the up to date info on the fracas and frollicks, the constant talking b*llocks, hacking, cacking, bare bottom smacking (Hunter!), Peruvian strips, Gladys Knight & the Pips, guys that cant make it, Willie's baseball jaikit, effing, jeffing, Ian Forrest's bad Reffing, The Gaffers bad tactics and 17 goal thriller classics.

Welcome young, welcome all - From the fleet of foot Newbies to the crusty toed Oldies.

Now, lets get this bloody show on the road!!

FIXTURE LIST 2012

19th April     Gillespies / Working Together    Saughton - Astro
26th April     Tynecastle / St. David's    Dalkieth Campus - Grass
3rd May       Musselburgh   Pinkie Playing Fields - Grass
10th May     Portobello    Venue TBC
17th May     Newbattle    Venue TBC
24th May     W.H.E.C.    St.Augustines High School - Astro
31st May     Lasswade    Lasswade High School - Astro
7th June      Trinity    Bangholm Arena - Astro
14th June    West Lothian    Inveralmond High School - Grass
21st June    Craigmount     Venue TBC


Possible bounce match dates - 29th March & 28th June

 

A Watched Pot Never Boils...

Primaries signed off the season in sumptuous style with a comprehensive win over West Lothian at Inveralmond on Thursday.

It had been something of a fractious campaign for PSFC with ignominious defeat juxtaposed with vertiginous victories and mournful, fallow weeks of wretched inaction which only served to stymie any discernable shift towards tangible momentum. In other words, it had been a bit pish, ken?

However, one thing this particular group can never be accused of is giving up lightly. Oh no! When this team capitulates, it does so in a thoroughly heterosexual manner! PSFC don’t use Vicks Vaporub ® on tired, aching muscles - they use Essence of Wintergreen…. From a disused Cuprinol garden spray bottle! Pubic hair?? Pah!! PSFC thumbs its nose at pubic hair! Have done with it!! When the PSFC boys get a bit sweat on after the match, they don’t use any GIRLY deodorant roll on by your Molten Brown’s or your BHS white musk….. Its Old Spice talcum powder – upstairs AND downstairs!! Cos THAT’S how we ROLL!

But, I digress. Primaries had to win in order to end the season with a numerically satisfying won four / lost four record, and they rose to the challenge in fine style.

The team sauntered out onto the playing arena after a relaxing stroll through a wooded thicket which served as an impromptu pitchside tunnel. (I’m sure I saw Ray Mears carving an aboriginal canoe in there! – Ed) Once properly assembled, they proceeded to set aboot the West Lothian back line from the first whistle.

Sullivan was unlucky not to have PSFC ahead with an arrowed drive off the woodwork (Ray Mears makes goalposts too!! – Ed) however, the breakthrough was provided when Harris popped up at the back post to volley home for his first of the season. Baillie then had Primaries two goals to the good after he produced a strike of sublime quality. The “Peter Pan of Plumbing” lashed a ferocious volley into the roof of the net from an impossible angle - which brought back memories of Van Basten in the final of Euro 88 – to send the crowd into raptures! (What crowd?? – Ed)

Peterkin marked his return to the fold with a scruffy third as The Travelling Dangleberries threaten to run riot. However, those lofty dreams were brought crashing back to earth with a fud as Morrison had a fresh air swipe at a through ball to allow the home side to claw one back. 3-1 Primaries HT.

After some positional changes, the visitors started the second half in much the same fashion as they had finished the first. Specifically, by playing lovely football, scoring tasty goals and taking no shit – from ANYBODY! (ooooh, you’re hard!! – Ed)

Peterkin doubled his tally for the day after rounding the goalkeeper following a defensive mistake, but he wasn’t satisfied with two goals. He desperately wanted to emulate his idol, Gary “Big Gaz” Sullivan. He wanted three, and by jingo, he achieved just that with another contender for Goal of the Season.

A long, high clearance from the West Lothian goalkeeper was expertly brought down by the diminutive hitman before he sashayed away from two midfielders to curl an absolute teaker into the bottom corner from all of 25 yards!

Sullivan suddenly saw that his third consecutive Hot Shot trophy (Wow! That’s some achievement! – Ed) could be under threat and frantically subbed himself on the park for the ineffectual Jamieson. Primaries could now sniff blood, which made a refreshing change from Hunter’s unique brand of aromatherapy, and went for the jugular (Poor guy. He was only there to provide halftime entertainment for the kids – Ed).

With Kay and Durkin marauding forward at will, the pressure began to mount on the home defence and they conceded a sixth goal when McCann, a man not usually associated with the word “gentle”, coaxed a cross from the left into the far corner of the net with no small measure of panache.

Although West Lothian managed a consolation it was the home side who were in seventh heaven (see what I did there?) when Sullivan converted a penalty after the ball had struck a defensive arm.

There was still time for another calamitous defensive howler from the home side when a horrible sclaff from Peterkin, which looked to be going well wide, was cruelly turned into the net by the West Lothian back line.

On the stroke of Full Time, the host managed to grab a contentious third when a flag for offside failed to materialise, however, there was nothing to take the gloss off a fabulous final win for PSFC on a balmy summer’s evening.

West Lothian 3 Primaries 8 FT.

Naan better!

No one could accuse PSFC of making a meal out of Currie last night as they stretched their winning streak to three games. The only down side was the news that last weeks clean sheet couldn't be counted because it wasn't an 11-a-side match. Bad luck lads.

The pre-match talk had focused on the mis-communicating Sullivan/Jamieson striking partnership amid rumours that the pair had been seen at their local branch of RELATE last week. However, after this showing from the "poachers in crime", it could turn out to be the best double act since Roger de Courcey first put his hand up Nookie Bear.

There may well be another trophy winging its way to forgotten hitman Gary Sullivan, after he curled the first goal into the postage stamp barely 15 seconds into the game. Two further strikes from Jamieson and Kipanda (his third in three games) seemingly had Primaries well on the way to a comfortable three goal advantage before half time.

However, regular followers of The Travelling Dangleberries fortunes will know that nothing is simple when it comes to holding a lead (just ask Barbara Woodhouse).

After Currie captain Fusco had dribbled through the entire defence to slot his first, a crass challenge on the edge of the box presented Currie with the chance to claw another goal back before the break.

Dr Martin Tourettes (pictured) carefully positioned the wall and even had the tubby Sullivan on a post to be sure (have you turned Irish?? -Ed). Unfortunately, McCann totally bottled it as the set piece was struck, allowing the ball to fire into an unguarded net.

To be honest, Dear Reader, it's the first time I've seen a Goalie duck since the Keith & Orville's World of Soccer DVD I stole from the Gylemuir Bring & Buy Sale.

Primaries 3-2 Currie/Balerno HT

It was still a tense encounter and the same old doubts resurfaced as Sullivan and Jamieson were told by Gaffer Kay to "Put Up or Shut Up" (that's the new slogan for the British Shelf Making Championships! - Ed)

Primaries got back to basics second half and a lovely passing move allowed Sullivan to play in Gilhooley to stroke in his first of a timely brace.

After Gilhooley headed in a vicious Morrison corner, it was time for the much maligned Sullivan to take to the floor. His second of the afternoon was a volleyed finish after sterling work from Jamieson and he completed his Hat-Trick after heading home from his own initial shot.

Currie stand in for the day, Chris, was soon rolling about in agony after a blow to his unmentionables (Do you mean his testicles? - Ed) prompting McCann to loudly inquire "Someone check if he still has one ball!!".

Sullivan just couldn't stop scoring by now and he took full advantage of Chris' injury by ripping the ball away from the dithering defender to slot home his fourth.

There was still time for Sullivan's fifth and PSFC's ninth as Jamieson once again showed fleet-footed determination to ghost away on the wing and cross for one of "Kid Goals" trademark side foot volleys. (Does that mean that Sullivan is leading the scoring charts again - Ed?? Why, yes it is! - asst. Ed)

Full Time.

Primaries 9 (Sullivan 5, Gilhooley 2, Kipanda, Jamieson)

Currie/Balerno 2

PSFC Team: - Dr Tourettes; Kay, Morrison, Baillie; Dimeck, Kipanda, Gilhooley; Sullivan, Jamieson.

Subs (Not wanted): - Wilson, Steviespal, Forrest.

Three and easy Primaries!

PSFC doubled their winning streak on Thursday with a convincing three goal drubbing of local rivals, and self appointed "Big-time Charlies", Craigmount FC.

Although the Primaries squad was stretched to the limit after a spate of injuries and call-offs, the lads fought like baby tigers and smashed their way to a famous win. Ivan Golac would have been proud!

66% of our compliment of Stevo's (Gilhooley & Kipanda) had the Rossoblu two goals to the good at the interval, despite having to withstand heavy pressure. Martin "The Ginger Nuisance" McCann bundled home a third to seal a comprehensive victory over Edinburgh west's self styled "Galacticos" and push team morale into the "Brim Fu'" category for the remainder of the season.

Fabulous win. Now lets kick on!!

Well done troops!!

Dicky D x

Match Reports

The latest match report, "Bouncebackability" should be winging its way to an Inbox near you as we speak.

For reasons of a purely selfish and self promoting nature (well if Douglas Kay can do it, why can't I?) I have uploaded all the other match reports for previous seasons to the link below.

Match Reports

Hot Shots 2011

Its that time of the year again where we commit to record the brave men that doth take up the mantle of top scorer for the good of the team and Primary Schools Football Club.

We may have lost such luminaries as Forgie, Wilson and er, Irvine Wright to the relentless advance of time but we shall still remember those who continue to "pit the baw in the pokey" year on year.

It's worth reminding folk that although we are already past the midway point in the season, the team have as yet, failed to live up to previous seasons standards with regards to bursting the onion bag.

However, there is still time for those hardy souls to stride forth and boost the "goals for" column, and maybe, just maybe, dare to sit alongside two-time reigning Hot Shot champ, Gary Sullivan (21 goals in 24 games - the stats don't lie!)

::::::BREAKING NEWS::::::::

After battling back from a debilitating skin rash after falling foul of a maliciously thrown pair of Hunter's thong-backed tanga briefs, Gary Sullivan has completed a Hat-Trick of HOT SHOT winners medals after topping the scoring charts for the third straight year.

Brave Sullivan had to withstand a relentless stream of abuse, name calling and questioning of ability, mostly from Douglas "The Sieve" Kay, who had scoured his imaginary rule book to concoct ever more ludicrous reasons as to why the bustling centre forward's goals couldn't be counted.

The following reasons were proffered all too readily when attempting to devalue Sullivan's consistently excellent contributions: -

1. We weren't playing against 11 men

2. Penalties don't count

3. The opposition keeper wasn't tall enough

4. Sullivan's shoelaces were untied

This triple triumph must be all the sweeter for Sullivan after Kay's "dirty tricks" failed to dent the effervescent talisman's steely resolve.

Anyhoo, here are the final standings: -

Sullivan 8

Peterkin 4

Jamieson 3

Kipanda 3

Gilhooley 3

McCann 2

Harris 1

Dimeck 1

Baillie 1

Results 2011

Each week the results page will be updated with our recent match score and details.

P	W	D	L	F	A	Pts
8	4	0	4	27	20	12

West Lothian 3 vs 8 Primaries (Peterkin 3, Sullivan (pen), Harris, McCann, Baillie, O.G)

MoM - Baillie

Musselburgh 4 vs 0 Primaries

MoM - Shirley Crabtree

Currie/Balerno 2 vs 9 Primaries (Sullivan 5, Gilhooley 2, Kipanda, Jamieson)

MoM - Gilhooley

Craigmount 0 vs 3 Primaries (Gilhooley, Kipanda, McCann)

MoM - Durkin

Frauggies 3 vs 4 Primaries (Sullivan 2, Kipanda, Dimeck)

MoM - Sullivan

Craigroyston 2 vs 1 Primaries (Jamieson)

MoM - Gilhooley

Gillespies 3 vs 0 Primaries

MoM - Baillie

Portobello 3 vs 2 Primaries (Jamieson, Peterkin)

MoM - Durkin

The Swear Word

A Hollywood re-telling of the aftermath of the infamous Currie Balerno fixture last season.

I hope you enjoy this video - quite a few have asked for it to be uploaded. Remember, there is no audible swearing on it, however you should be careful who's looking over your shoulder when youre viewing it.

On a serous note, if you think this video is unsuitable for any reason, please contact me and i will, of course, take it down immediately.

GS

Fixtures and Fittings

We're back, baby!!!

Yes, sir! All that pre-season training, the sacrifices, the lack of sleep, its all been worth it - cos Staff 11's is back and the famous P.S.F.C are suited and booted and ready to cause sporting mayhem for another year!

Oh, you can bet your grannies housekeeping money that there will be the usual mix of calamity, profanity, stooshies, half time juices, Hunter in the buff, folk goin in the huff, arse over titty and bouncebackability. Just a typical Primaries night out, really.

I hope to update you with the various goings on, goings out and goings home throughout the season and will have the latest stats and reports at the click of a button (unless i inexplicably stop scoring goals, in which case there will be nothing... NOTHING!!)

To kick off the blog for this season, i thought i would bring you news of a sartorial re-mix that has sent shockwaves all the way from Moredun to Milan. Yup! Calvin, Giorgio, Hugo and all the other guys that work at the Globetrotter chippy were stunned to learn that PSFC have a new strip for this season! (see photo)

Big thanks to Greg D and Ross (wears Tesco football boots, mind!) for taking time out to tog the lads out with what, on first inspection, looks like the team colours of some South American drugs cartel. Well, once the PSFC get on the pitch in the new gear, there'll be no need for any Colombian Marching Powder.... Just a skilled mathematician with a high speed abacus to count all the goals going in!!

Have Mercy!

Also, "big love" (no, not that kind of love, Hunter) goes out to Douglas Kay, our new gaffer! He has worked tirelessly during the close season to help bring in new recruits, sell the usual naff DKB merchandise and attend the Staff 11's fixtures night. The upshot of all this graft is that we are all contracted to the road crew during Douglas' next tour of Shetland and we have 10 tantalising fixtures for Season 2011. Welcome aboard, Skipper!!

Anyhoo, thats all for just now. Keep checking back soon to see what mischief the cheeky chappies from PSFC get up to this season and remember the Primaries motto - "Lets Get Intae These C... Charming young gentlemens!"

Dad on!

Dickie Davis.

PSFC Fixtures 2011

(remember these are the dates, not the odds on us getting beat)

31/3 Portobello

7/4 Tynecastle & St Davids

28/4 James Gillespies

5/5 WHEC

12/5 Craigroyston

19/5 Forrestines

26/5 Craigmount

9/6 Currie & Balerno

16/6 Musselburgh

23/6 West Lothian

Black Eyed Geez

There was a painful incident at Bangholm Astro this evening during Primaries 4-0 victory over Trinity.

Stevie Gilhooley, PSFC's resident midfield maestro (thats like the boy from off the Go Compare ads, not the car, byraway) suffered an ugly gash as the disco dancing honey badger managed to bonk bonces with swarthy goal getter Gary Sullivan during a corner kick.

Needless to say it was the Heads head (see what i did there?) that came off worse and Gilhooley (46) was rushed to the local infirmary for a bottle of Tobasco and a smattering of plumbers caulk.

Luckily for all concerned, Sullivan (28) was sufficiently concussed to resume playing and finished the game with 3 goals and an assist to his name.

Most sane people would have thought that kind of performance might have been rewarded with some form of scant congratulations.... maybe even a Man of the Match nod??

Think again!

RAM IT!!

:-)

The Boys are Back in Toon!

The 2010 Primary Schools Football Club team squad.

Question immediately raised are:-

Why is Dimeck laughing at a cardboard cutout of Stevie J?

What horrors is Kay imagining?

Does Wilson's tan look too uneven to be natural?

Willie French: - Not as tall as you thought, eh?

Sullivan is a stick on for a podgy Jason Statham.

This isn't football...... THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!

Breaking news.........

The Reuters news agency has just released details of an "alleged" rift in the Primaries camp that has sent shock waves around the world of staff football.

Information is still sketchy but it seems as though the PSFC president has resigned from his post amid rumours that teams are sick to the BACK TEETH of being cuffed to the tune of 6 and 7 goals every game.

A club insider has been quoted as saying "The boys are resolutely defending their right to bang as many goals past the opposition as they damn well please. One player recently aired his frustration during the match when (as the fourth goal was blasted past his keeper) he shouted 'This is why we don't want to play The Primaries!!'. We'll just keep getting the ball on the carpet and play our passing game. My mum told me from the sidelines that it really was 'a joy to watch.'"

More news on this sensational story as we get it....

Hot Shot 2010

Primaries have been peppering the ingin' bag all season long with a stunning return of 36 goals in 8 games.

The coveted Hot Shot Trophy (think of a miniature UEFA Cup with a well used hacky-sac stuffed on top) is being fiercely contested in an attempt to wrest the title of PSFC sharpshooter away from current holder, Gary "Kid Goals" Sullivan.

As the season comes to an end, the final results of the Hot Shot Trophy are in....

Final Standings:-

Sullivan 10

McLeod 9

Dimeck 6

Jamieson 5

Petrie 5

Gilhooley 2

Odie, Durkin, Morrison, Trialist 1

There had been a poorly devised, bitter attempt to prevent the trophy from being awarded to Sullivan after it was mentioned that goals count in the 7's tournament. Bear in mind that goals didn't count in last years 7's, or any 7's tourneys before that stretching back to the inception of the Mike Darnell 7's.

I asked one of the tournament organizers (Mike Irving, Spartans 1st Team Coach) to qualify the new rule that goals scored in the 7's tournament count towards the 11-a-side season tally. His reply was short and to the point:- "Utter Pish".

So there you have it. Straight from the horses mouth. Sullivan retains the Hot Shot trophy for another season.

Deal with it.

Results 2010

Each week the results page will be updated with our recent match score and details.

P	W	D	L	F	A	Pts
11	7	0	4	42	25	21

St Augies/WHEC 0 v 1 Primaries (Gilhooley)

MOM - Gilhooley

Portobello 7 v 4 Primaries (McLeod 2, Jamieson, Petrie)

MOM - Kay

Newbattle 0 v 6 Primaries (Dimeck 3, McLeod 2, Jamieson)

MOM - Dimeck

Balerno/Currie 1 v 7 Primaries (Sullivan 4, Jamieson 2, Odie)

MOM - Sullivan

Lasswade 2 v 4 Primaries (Dimeck, Petrie, McLeod 2)

MOM - McCann

Craigroyston 2 v 4 Primaries (Sullivan 2, McLeod, Durkin)

MOM - McLeod

Gillespies 1 v 6 Primaries (Gilhooley, Dimeck 2, Petrie 2, Sullivan)

MOM -Durkin

Trinity 0 v 4 Primaries (Sullivan 3, McLeod)

MOM - McCann????

WHEC 4 v 2 Primaries (Morrison, McLeod)

MOM - McCann????

Musselburgh 3 v 0 Primaries (Naeb'dy)

MOM - Gilhooley

West Lothian 5 v 4 Primaries (Vic O.G, Trialist, Jamieson, Petrie)

MOM - Durkin

Portobello 25.3.10

PSFC send in the Cavalry tonight (at Cavalry Park... see what i did there?) as the Travelling Dangleberries face off against Portobello.

The Department of Enforced Child Labour will send a representative over tonight to make sure there is no repeat of Portobello's outrageously youthful team selection during the same fixture last season.

Team news as follows :-

French
Jamieson
Petrie
Forrest Snr
McCann
Wilson
Adams
Odie
Kay
Smith
Rowanfield
Sullivan

Super Steve Leaves Stevie Peeved

It was a tale of two Stevie's last Thursday as PSFC won their first match of the season against WHEC at St.Augustine's.

Stevie Gee deservedly won man of the match as he grabbed the only goal of the game in a narrow 1-0 win.

Full match report to follow but the moment Stevie J made an absolute honker of passing the ball into an unguarded net from 2 1/4 yards has been caught by match photographer Len Scace.

Jaimo's reaction says it all. Murder.

Fixtures 2010

Here we go laddies!!

The one we've all been waiting for! The new fixtures for the 2010 season have arrived. I'm sure there will be a lot for us to chew over, digest and, ultimately, sift through over the coming weeks with regards to our prospective opponents. Which team has the oldest, slowest defence? (And can we play them twice?) Which team's home park has the best pub nearest to it? Who's going to be our goalie all season (Greg)? What lurid colour of boots will Petrie be wearing (Maroon)? Does anyone actually read this blog? (Probably not)

So many questions... not many answers.

Anyway. Here are the official fixtures.

INTAE THUM!!

18th March - WHEC / St.Augustines - St Augustines HS - Astro

25th March - Portobello - Cavalry Park - Grass

22nd April - Newbattle - Newbattle HS - Grass OR Astro

29th April - Balerno / Currie - Balerno HS - Grass

6th May - Lasswade - Lasswade HS - Grass OR Astro

13th May - Craigroyston - Craigroyston HS - Astro

20th May - Gillespies - Double Hedges - Grass

27th May - Trinity - Bangholm Pitches - Astro (no blades or studs)

3rd June - WHEC / St.Augustines - St. Augustines HS - Astro

10th June - Musselburgh - Pinkie Playing Fields - Grass

17th June - West Lothian - Inveralmond HS - Grass

24th June - Mike Darnell 7's - Spartans FC Complex - 4G Astro

We've finally snapped!

that is PHOTO's of ourselves in rip-roaring action and trophy holding glory!

These were taken by ex-Wiry Hitman and Defensive Stopper turned Paparazzi Wannabe Garry Forgie at the final game of last season versus Craigroyston. Shame he decided to whip his lens out during such an ignominious defeat but he more than made up for it with some starry-eyed candids from The Raj Curry Hoose, Leith at the starter studded Player of the Year Awards.

Suits You!

Only a couple of weeks till the fixtures are made public so be sure to tune in regularly to get the latest news about PSFC as they embark on another glorious Campaign!

More power to 'em!

Dicky Davies

Season 09 Match Reports

There has been a call (from myself) to upload the match reports for last season into one place. To that end i've decide to upload all the match reports for last season and this onto Issuu.com for you to download and read to the Grandchildren.

Follow the link below and join in the fun. No mess, no fuss, just honest to goodness carachter assassination.... Back for good!

Lasswade vs Primaries 09
Portobello vs Primaries 09
PSFC Player of the Year Awards 09
Trinity vs Primaries 09
Musselburgh vs Primaries 09
WHEC vs Primaries 09
Currie/Balerno vs Primaries 09
Tynecastle/St.Davids vs Primaries 09
Craigroyston vs Primaries 09
Newbattle vs Primaries 10
St. Augustines vs Primaries 10

This is the End, my beautiful friend!

Well folks, all good things must come to an end and thats whats happened to a generally successful season for PSFC. 5 wins, 2 draws and 3 defeats in 10 games. No bad for a team scattered to the four winds for the majority of the year.

For my own part, my first season with Primary Schools Football Club has been hugely enjoyable. A chance to get back to honest to goodness football, camaraderie and a decent run of form. Much better than that ramshackle Craigmount/Forrester/Firhill mob I used to run with. (Well more of a pitiful amble, really).

I've always seen the Primaries as an "Edinburgh Select". Only the cream of male talent could be considered for inclusion, the "elite" if you will.... Well that was blown to buggery early days....they let ME in for a start!!

The PSFC Player of the Year Awards were held last Thursday and the details of the worthy winners are below. I hope to put up some photos from our final game drubbing at the hands of a (p)lucky Craigroyston and from the gala evening itself as soon as "Laptop Geek" Garry Forgie presses the "SEND" button on his email!

Anyway, until next season. Cheerie!

Dicky Davies
Dept for Alternative Football Techniques In Education (D.A.F.T.I.E)

Award Winners

Player of the Year - Gary Sullivan
Players Player of the Year - David Baillie
Tit of the Year - Douglas Kay
Golden Boot - Gary Sullivan
Spilt Curry Award - Nick Woodhead

Results 09

Craigmount 3 - 1 Primaries (McCann)
Portobello 2 - 2 Primaries (Begg,Morrison)
W Lothian 2 - 3 Primaries (Petrie,Sullivan,O.G)
Musselburgh 6 - 3 Primaries (Sullivan,Forrest Jr,Dimeck)
Currie/B'no 3 - 6 Primaries (Jamieson 2,Dimeck 2,Sullivan 2)
Tynie/StDvd 2 - 5 Primaries (Sullivan,Jamieson,Petrie,Dimeck,Begg)
W.H.E.C 2 - 5 Primaries (Baillie 2,Jamieson,Stimpson,O.G)
Lasswade 5 - 5 Primaries (Sullivan 3,Petrie 2)
Trinity 3 - 7 Primaries (Begg 2,Jamieson 2,Sullivan,Petrie,McCann)
Craigroyston 4 - 2 Primaries (Dimeck, Jamieson)

Games against Boroughmuir, Newbattle and Leith Academy were all called off by the opposition because they were concerned with stories of PSFC's now legendary reputation for violence and/or intimidation.

Results, stats and other stuff.

Well, only two weeks to go until the end of another season and its been pretty good for PSFC. 5 wins in our last 7 games, scoring 34 goals in the process from 10 different players. Outstanding! To this point in the season we have conceded 28 goals in 9 games, so there is still room for improvement but to be fair no-one could have predicted how well our season would go after that thrashing in Musselburgh!

Our figures for the season are below.

P	W	D	L	F	A	Pts
10	5	2	3	39	32	17

Next week brings the famous Mike Darnell 7's and Primaries will want to do better than the ignominious first round exit last time out. The rumour mill has been working overtime as to whether PSFC would be fielding one or two teams, however, the most shocking development in the last week stemmed from a radio phone it that suggested that top scorer Gary Sullivan would turn his back on his team mates to play for a Forrester VII. The player himself has yet to confirm or deny the reports but could be in for a fiery reception if the rumours are proved accurate!

Watch out for a new poll later in the week do decide this years Goal of the Season, with 6 contenders in the running.

Till then, keep fighting the good fight (as we say in the Primaries changing room)